Saturday, August 27, 2011

What a Week! What a Life.....

Well, we got my DVD finished for THE VOICE. We literally finished it at 3PM and hand delivered it to the casting office in Santa Monica by 4:00 PM. And we were home by 4:30, if you can believe that! Delivered from the Valley to Santa Monica & back home, in an hour and a half, during Friday afternoon traffic in Los Angeles! Is that even possible?  Maybe that is a good sign.

I'm happy with it. I did tear up a few times when I had to say something about myself. We had to stop tapping because Terry said my eyes were too swollen. Again, I never realized how much emotion about my music I've held inside of me. I think I've just pushed it deep down where it can't be hurt or criticized, somewhere safe deep in my soul. I've told myself, your chances are over, so just live with what you have and be happy.

I am very happy. I have a great life now, after so much sadness, loneliness, pain & struggle. I have the real "home" I've always wanted. It's filled with love, friends and a man who loves me and supports me in any manner he can. I have two great kids that have come through the storm and are finding their way in this life. Hell, what do I have to complain about? I don't know many people that get to go first class, all expenses paid to South Africa for a whole month with private helicopters, 5 star Safari, etc. then two weeks in the UK, as we did last year. I don't know many people who've flown on private jets, as we have. I have wonderful friends that love me and that would do anything for me! I have people who love my singing and want to see me. Who are constantly asking, when are you singing again? We want to come and hear you! Who also would me more than happy to purchase a cd of mine,  if we ever get it together and produce one. Hell, we have a studio most would die for.  I should be completely fulfilled, right? I thought I was. I told myself and others that I am. But deep down in my soul I don't feel I've fulfilled what I'm here on this earth for.

I't's so strange to me, that my daughter at 28 doesn't really know what she wants to do with her life. I just can't comprehend that. I've known what I wanted since I was a little girl, but have never been able to attain it. I thought everyone knew what they wanted to with their lives when they were little.

I knew what I wanted, but I guess I never really had the support or the faith in myself. I can say, when I was doing the Rock in the 80's it scared me. I didn't really have anyone and I wanted to know I had someone who really loved me for me, not just my singing. Thus, my first shitty marriage. Another story for another time.

Looking back, I've often thought, maybe I should have just let the music take me? But then, I would have never had the experiences that now bring the understanding and emotion to my lyric writings and my singing. Who knows, life has a funny way of turning out. I guess we never really know what is around the next bend in the road. I never would have guessed I'd meet the soul that I'd  been longing for, after performing in a show in Vegas on the night of September 3rd, 1997.

I remember it all so clearly. I was living in Vegas with my sister after my break up with my husband of 11 years. My children were still living with him. I was working during the day, as a temp & singing at night. I can't remember how I got involved in this show. I think someone heard me singing somewhere and asked me. I think I sat in with a country band or something. Anyway, I wasn't going to do the show because I'd figured out the head producer guy was a scam artist or something, things were just amiss. Also, the other producer guy," thought" he was in love with me & wanted me to marry him (ha? We just met and your a big old cowboy). When I was thinking about backing out. I remembered other times in the past, when I would put myself out there. Such as joining  music organizations, sitting in with a band, doing vocals for someone ets. I always met someone that would take my career to another level or I'd end up writing with etc. So I thought, what the hell, just do it. What's it going to hurt? I will tell you I did insist on using tracks though, because the band that was backing up singers was shit and that could hurt! Having a crappy band behind you is death to a singer.

While this was going on, I was singing somewhere. I think with the guy that "thought" he was in love with me. He was taking me places and having me sing. While singing somewhere  another guy heard me and wanted to manage me. (I'm telling you this because he figures into the story).

The night of the show came and of course there was all kinds of politicking & disorganization going on. I was told I was going to open and close of the show but some other girl weaseled  in there somehow. I didn't give a crap, really.  I did my songs. Then the guy that wanted to manage me, and I went off to one of the bars in the casino to talk.

When I went back to the Show room we were performing in, everyone was gone. Even Mr. I think I love you. I thought oh well, I'll just go home, even though I had a room at the hotel that was given to me for the night.

As I was leaving I heard people in the bar lounge area, so I ventured over. And the producers of the show I was in, Mr. Slime & Mr. I Think I Love you, along with the manger of the  the casino show room (who was also after me that night! What the hell?), some others from the show where in there, along with the film crew that was filming it for TV &  their producer Mr. Crosby.

Now, I told you, something was up with Mr. Slime! Well, he calls me over and says, "I want you to meet Terry Crosby".  After Terry and I were introduced, Terry went to buy me a drink. When he walked away, Mr Slime, starting saying "Terry owns a network & he has this does this" etc.,etc. I could read between the lines with this guy. He was looking to me to get close with Mr. Crosby, if you know what I mean? I looked him straight in the eyes and said I'm not ####ing him for you! (Terry hates it when I tell this story but that is exactly what happened).

Little did I know, when Terry came back with my drink and we went and sat at another table together. I'd be looking in his eyes, right into his soul. It was the most powerful feeling I've ever had. It is what they write movies about!  This is not what I thought would happen, when I decided to perform that night. The last thing I needed was to get involved with another man. The last thing I wanted, was to get involved with someone, after two failed & miserable & abusive marriages. I hadn't batted so good, so far and I was not ready to get back on that field & play.

As I said though, you never know what's around the next bend in the road. There he was, my fate, my love my future life, the soul my soul had been looking for, for so many years. Sitting so near..

The person I'd always longed for in my life. The one who loves me for all that I am, who doesn't try to control me, or hurt me or tell me I'm not worth anything, as so many others have. The person who  helped me to believe in myself and all that I was and that I could be. Someone who never put me down & helped me to learn how to protect myself. He was there for me as no one ever has. He was there for me as I went through my chemo. He even picked me up when I was on the road out in the middle of Nowhere Nevada when he lived in Lake Tahoe, and took me back to Vegas for my procedures that eventually found my cancer.

And now here we are. Coming up on 14 years later, come this September 3rd. (13 years since my cancer was found the same labor day weekend we met the year before). We've gone through so much to be together. We've built a creative  life,  full of love, friends, laughter & music, in funky little NOHO.  I couldn't have done this DVD without him. I guess in a way this brings us back to where it all began, with my voice and my music, our love for music and all things creative. Our music, our love for all that we both are.

I think we got the best representation of me we could get in 5minutes. I said a short thank you and a little something about myself (yes, with a few held back tears)  then we went right into the second verse and big build chorus of Natural Woman then into the growl part of RESPECT and right into me playing the guitar and singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

Now we wait...... We live and we love......

1 comment:

  1. Fingers crossed that you hear good news from your audition DVD. No matter what happens, you took your chance and followed your heart. So how can you NOT be a winner?

    Amazing posting...honest and forthright.


Please leave a comment for me!