Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Roller Coaster Ride

When I started this blog, I didn't just want to write about food. I wanted to write about being a creative spirit and all that goes with that. All the ups and downs and highs and lows.
The idea of auditioning for the voice has brought it all to the forefront for me. It has brought back so many things The things I've gone through, I've been told, have had said about me etc. etc. etc. It has been an emotional roller coaster ride over the past several weeks and the ride continues. Now my resolve has changed along with my song picks. I was going to do the Whitney Houston song I HAVE NOTHING but again I am having second thoughts. I worked on it yesterday and I'm feeling like it really needs to be sung with the  music. I think it would be a good song for the call back because you can use music on that audition. I've been awake since 4AM going over and over in my head what to do!!!!

I had quite the "Wine Rant" (talking on the phone drinking wine) with Annie last night. We both laughed, cried & bared our souls to one another. We talked about when you create something, weather it's a song you write or sing, a poem, a painting or creating a dvd & editing like my husband does. He gets very upset if a client does not say anything about his product and doesn't give him his due for what he has created for them (which is always amazing since he is an amazing talent). He doesn't care as much about the money as he does about the acknowledgement. The way Annie put it "you are giving birth to something". It is coming from a deep part in your soul, it is such a deep part of you, how do you allow that to be judged and how can it be judged?.

Through this process, I've really done quite a bit of soul searching & reflected on my life and my song. I've realized over the past several weeks so many things about myself. One is, I'm a pretty easy going and impromptu type of person, EXCEPT, when it comes to my music and my singing. I have many friends who will just sing at the drop of a hat, A Capella. I've never been comfortable doing that. I don't know why, but I do know this is why I have such a fear of it. I always have people say "sing something for me or us". I absolutely HATE that!! I want to know everything is right and I have some sort of music to back me up.

When I was young was a little girl, music was my escape from the world and my family life. I would just lock myself in my room and play my guitar for hours. People would try to coax me out, but I was so shy and afraid to sing for others. This is where all the self reflection has brought me back to. This is where all the self doubt starts to whirl about in my brain. You have no idea how many memories of things people have said to me & about me over the years, this has brought rushing back into my brain. I can remember the times I almost made it. How many times I've heard "you are awesome" but...... "I have a younger girl to work with". "She can't sing anywhere close to you, but she's younger and has "the look".
I remember the first time I did a recital with a vocal coach. I did a Barbara Streisand song and people were pretty speechless. I remember another coach I had when I lived in Reno. I remember when I first wanted to work with him, he was so, so about working with me . Then he heard me sing and his ears perked up real fast. He told me "you have it". "What it takes to make it". I remember when I was writing and  recording in SF. The producer doing my music with me said "you have what it takes to be a major pop artist". When I first met my husband I was in a show to be aired on TV in Vegas. It was a country show with a bunch of bands and singers. It was filmed in one of the  big showrooms in Vegas. He told me later, the producers and people involved said I was definitely the best singer on that stage. (That is a whole other story). I've had pit bosses upset because people would leave the tables to come to the lounge and hear me sing.  I also remember, one day I was in Trader Joe's. I guess I was humming to the music in the store and a guy out of no where came up to me and said "I know you can sing". I don't know who he was but, I could tell he was someone in the biz. I remember when I was singing rock music in Oregon. Our manager would take our little tape to bars to book us gigs and people would say "how do we know that isn't Pat Benatar"? I also remember the band guys being sooo pissed because when articles etc. were written about the band they talked about me being the power house. They would say oh they didn't say anything about you. Or, "She is just the chick singer"! I remember during that time I could meet someone at a party they wouldn't have anything to do with me. Once they heard me sing they wanted to be my best friend. This all freaked me out a bit. Especially since I was roommates with a few of they guys and they were pretty mean to me.

When I was in Las Vegas, there was a buzz with music supervisors etc. at Casino's saying "Who is this girl"? Where did she come from"?  That was when I found out I had Stage 3 Colon Cancer, so that chance went out the window.  I remember, I had another very popular musician at that time, who heard me sing. (I think I was doing a demo in his studio or something). He had a singer (that of course was younger than me) who sang in his band. But he would book me for a hundred dollars a pop to  sing  THE POWER OF A DREAM for an organization once a month? I can tell you it wasn't his eye candy.
I can remember the time I rewrote the lyrics to DON'T RAIN ON MY PARADE to be about Larry Kings life and sang it at an event honoring him. Elayne Boosler was a bit out of shape because, I kind of stole the show from her. (Again, another story another time). BUT.... I'm toooo old, to something...  I remember another singer in Vegas. She was coming on the shift in the lounge after me and she said when she walked in the casino and heard me singing she thought it was a CD playing over the sound system. Once I found out I had cancer she said "If you sing like that when you are so sick, what are you going to sing like once are well"?
She said something else that has always stuck with me. I think I was going through chemo at the time. She said "you are like a locus in a mucky pond that shines through and will rise above the muck and mire. I remember my therapist Anna Wong who helped me in so many ways. She helped me survive some very hard times. At one point I didn't have health insurance. She saw me in her private practice for free! She told me, "all I want is your first album as payment". She's never even heard me sing and she believed in me for some reason. I still haven't gotten her an album, since I haven't really made one. I remember when I was in West Coast Songwriters Association and I was going to their monthly pitch events to pitch my songs. Almost always I was asked who is that singing, you? Even the guys that wrote RUN TO YOU asked me "is that you singing"? " You have a great voice. I never heard them say that to anyone else or ever ask who the singer was on the demo.
These are all of the things I've been revisiting over the last few weeks. It is just emotionally draining. 'I haven't even gotten to the whole family things that have been flooding back! What does this all mean?
I do know that I'm gonna do it though! Especially after getting a call from my dear friend Dolly who went through the audition yesterday. What the hell, it will give me something to blog about!


  1. Great post Bexx...we know you can do it!

    Now about your friend who did the audition, did she give you any tips??

  2. Thanks for the encouragement Brian.
    Yes, she did! She said, you have to hit them hard and fast! So I've changed my tactic completely. With Matt's help, I've decided to go right for the juggler with the ending of RESPECT. Like Matt said a lot of singers may be good and may be able to do that song, but No One does it like you Mom. It was cute.
    After I got off the phone with Dolly and I was talking about it he told me about his friend who had auditioned for American Idol etc. He couldn't remember the song he was thinking I should sing. He said "you know that one you were singing the other day" "You sing that one part different than the rest? Whenever you sing it I always think.... "wait here it comes". We finally figured out what song it was and what part he was talking abut and I had to agree that would be a good choice. Funny it was one of my original choices!
    Also, my friend Dolly is dying to come down and perform with me at one of my dinners!


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