Monday, January 16, 2012

Saying Goodbye..... Again

I had a bit of a sad & emotional weekend. My son came home from Iraq to see his lovely Grandma Carolyn, for the last time.

I went with him to support him and to see her for the first time in more than almost 15 years. Another lifetime ago, when I  made the decision, I could no longer keep up the pretense and stay married to her son. One of the casualties, at the end of an ugly, ugly divorce was having to say goodbye to someone I loved very, very, very much, Carolyn, my mother in law. Due to the way my ex is, she could not stay close to me, though she still loved me. I guess she confided in my mother recently, that she still considers me her son's true wife, though he has been remarried to the "replacement" for many years. I... on the other hand, know I'm married to my true and only love, finally. I also, could not bear to see her with my ex and "the nanny" the "replacement", he'd moved into the house from the guest house after a very short period of time.

I can recall & feel the pain, just like it was yesterday, a time while my ex & I were in the middle of our divorce. I went back to St. George, Utah to see my son in a play. I was sitting on one side of the room the play was to be performed in, when his father came in and sat on the other side of the room with the "replacement", his mother & his stepfather. I was so heart broken to see Carolyn with the "replacement", everyone happy and content, while I was struggling and alone. Everyone else sizing me up at the school since my ex had spread all kinds of lies about me. Besides all of this I had a cancer I knew nothing about eating my insides and stealing all my energy. I was feeling  physically ill & I felt like fainting. I had to just get out of there, before I totally lost it. I can honestly say, It was one of the most horrible moments of my life. I was so upset. I couldn't even stay for my little son's play. My poor little Matt called me later and was so disappointed not to have me there. I can still imagine seeing  his little sad face, in my mind. The sadness that overtook his little face when he realized his mommy wasn't  out in the audience. This is one regret I think I will always carry with me. The fact  that I couldn't buck up and have handled it for my little boy, who was so happy that his mother was going to be there. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. Again, painful times.

My son was then pulled apart from Carolyn about about 8 years ago. Once again, due to his father and his actions. Without going into much detail about it all. The short of it is, my ex beat the hell out of my 17 year old son at his place of work along with slamming Matt's female manager into a glass window and shattering it. Hmmm, wonder why I divorced him? Anyway, my ex-husband's family rallied behind him and his crazy wife, now pushing Matt away, from the whole family and putting a wedge between him and his grandmother. Matt came to live with Terry and I and has never seen or spoken to his father again.

Though Matthew was his Grandma Carolyn's special golden child, their relationship grew apart due to her health and at the insistence of her husband Neil, wanting her to be left out of the whole mess. As he should, since she has been very ill for many years. She was also pushing Matt, and still is, to reconcile with his father (I think this may be a final wish she won't get before she goes), though the man has never said he is sorry. 8 years and let's just forget it ever happened. If I know him at all, after being married for 11 years he never will. Since, for this person, nothing is ever his fault and he does not have to justify his actions. OK, I'm not going there. Another story for another time.

Shortly after my ex and I divorced, Carolyn developed a virus in her heart and it has been compromised ever since. She had a stroke several years ago. My understanding after talking with my ex-sister in law this weekend, is she  has lived well past the time most people survive after a stroke. Her heart is now weakening at a rapid pace. We all believe she has been holding on and waiting for her precious grandson to spend some time with her before she leaves this earth.

She called me around Christmas, worried about Matt and the bombing in Iraq after our troups pulled out. I assured her he was fine and that he was no longer in Iraq. She also informed me that she was now on hospice so she can have 7 day a week care, but it was not a big deal and that I shouldn't bother Matt with it. Right.... I informed Matt immediately and told him he should consider coming home earlier rather than later. After he spoke to her on Christmas, he called me right after he hung up the phone and said she did not sound good and he was coming home! He is still there with her getting as much time as possible with her.

Wanting to give Matt alone time, with his dear grandmother and his aunt and uncle I came home yesterday. It was so hard saying goodbye to her, once again. We couldn't let go of each other. We were both crying and holding onto each other as she was crunching the chips she had in her mouth. She always loved her chips and popcorn.

I'd made peace within my heart many years ago after losing her, knowing I  had let go of her and her love. Seeing her in the flesh again has reminded me how much I love this woman. It brought back memories of so many special times with her. The hours we spent alone together, just confiding in one another, sharing stories and experiences together. Just talking about life and it's struggles, the good and bad times. I missed her so much after I left my ex. I'd lost everything in that divorce, our home, my children, pictures of my children, my treasures (he chose what I got and didn't get) our business, all our money, you name it.... everything, including  my sanity, which finally returned after much time and meeting Terry, with his love and support. Two of the hardest things were letting go of Carolyn and letting my son go to stay with his father.

Not wanting to put my son through another ugly battle that I had no chance in hell of winning in Utah and against my ex's father's money who was funding the divorce for my husband, though my husband had plenty of money, a job and a thriving company of his own.  I no longer had the  strength to play the game and fight the fights with this man and all his lies any longer, especially without support of my own or money. He had sucked just about everything out of me in the 11 years we were married. Just a note for you women out there. Don't ever move to Utah. It is not a state that cares for it's women and children. If you ever leave your husband, even if he is abusing you or beats the hell out of his child the state and courts back the male! There were many casualties of that marriage and divorce for myself and my children, but losing Carolyn was a big one. She was someone I could confide in and trust and someone I loved.

So needless to say, it was a bit of a draining weekend, with the travel and very early morning flights. It was also very hard to revisit the past and some very, very painful times in my life, by seeing my ex's family. It was sooooo hard to say goodbye to Carolyn, again. This time I believe, was truly the last time.

Goodbye Carolyn. I will always love you and have you deep in my heart. Thank you for your love and the times we shared.

One very happy Grandmother. Seeing her special child after so many years.

The other Grandma in tears at the reunion of them both. 

He's so handsome and she is still so beautiful.

I can't get enough of this moment.

Carolyn, loving his tattoo. I wish I could appreciate & be as thrilled with it! 

All the other Grandma gets is the dog digging and chewing on her jacket.


  1. may you find the blessings you deserve!

  2. Thanks Tandy. I've had some bumps in the road but have a very blessed life now.


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